Husband

I'm not sure if I mentioned this, but Alan and I recently celebrated our 11th anniversary. (I like to tell people we met when I was in junior high; Alan, in turn, is worried about his reputation.) It's weird because it seems like both a long time and a short time at the same time. I tell you, I'm nothing if not articulate. :-)

How we refer to one another has always been not quite clear. Alan prefers "bear," as in "my bear." There's a local columnist and author, Dan Savage, who still insists on calling his other half, with whom he has a child, his "boyfriend." While granting that they have the right to call each other whatever they want, it bothers me. They are not high school sweethearts going to the prom. They are a committed couple sharing a home with their child.

After thinking about it for a while, I decided that "partner" was the best term; it's egalitarian and gender-neutral. "Lover" has a connotation of sex-on-the-side and, well, it's so 70s. My initial thinking was that "husband" had two drawbacks: first, it just seems campy. And while I can be a big fan of camp, I want to show respect for my relationship. Second, when people hear "husband," they automatically think, "wife."

Can I go on a bit of a tangent here? Straight people often seem to have a need to categorize each person in a same-sex relationship: one is the "man" and one is the "woman." What drives me crazy is that they think I can't see the wheels turning in their heads, when it is so obvious by the questions they ask and where they pause when absorbing certain pieces of information. Alan one time shared an intensely personal aspect of our lives with a coworker just to rattle him and shut him up. (While I appreciate the end, I'm not fond of the means.) One of the things I think different-sex couples can learn from same-sex couple is that you are two unique PEOPLE; base your relationship on that, not on prescribed roles. At the same time, I don't think people should try to be something they are not because they don't want to "prove" a stereotype.

My problem with "partner" is that it's antiseptic. It sounds like we're a law firm (not that there's anything wrong with that). And it's safe. No one has to think about us as a family because we're a "partnership."

So, I got to thinking: Do I use "partner" to ease the discomfort of the straight world? Do I use it to avoid confrontation? Back when Alan and I had our ceremony with friends and family present, I resisted calling it a "wedding." That was a straight term and I didn't want straight people to think I was trying to be like them or to gain their approval. But what was really behind it?

OK, folks, confession time. I am the marrying kind. Always have been; it comes/came very naturally to me. I was talking about equal marriage rights back before it was on most people's radars. (I wasn't jonesing to join the army, but I knew I wanted to be married some day.)

Now that equal marriage rights are part of the national discussion ( -- like we "discuss" things rationally), I've grown more and more "militant." Militant meaning that I have the nerve to think that LGBT deserve to be treated equally under the law as everyone else. And I use the terms "marriage," "wedding," and yes, "husband." Because they're understood. Because people instantly know what they mean; these words need no translation. These words also are not filtered through comfort. To me, they say, "yes, we are a family," not a facsimile.

I do NOT believe that all families are or should be the same. I do NOT believe that everyone is the marrying kind and that people only have value based on their family lives (or their professional lives). I believe that there are many valid models for marriage and for not being married. In short, I believe that people should be respected -- and treated equally under the law.

Now, I'm going to kiss my husband.