In My Own Private Idaho
So ... I couldn't believe that I had missed Tom & Emilio's big news; I hadn't realized that I had been so remiss in my "Canada reading" as I call it. I am so very very happy. As I commented to them directly, I am humbled by the binational couples. For Alan and me, this is a choice. For them, it is survival. As nervous as we are and have been throughout this process, I can't really know what it would be like to be fighting to be together. I was in tears (of frustration and then relief) reading Gito and Juan's story. Now, we have another joyful conclusion (and a new hope-full beginning) for the other binational couple in our little "family."
It comes down to the Vancouver guys and Alan & me. I've commented on their blog that I find myself in a weird place emotionally. Although I'm a Meyers-Briggs "J" that craves closure, I'm going to be a mess when we do get a decision. I don't know how to explain it, but as bad as the waiting is, it's become an old friend. When we get the final "yay" or "nay" we will be forced to move on. It's the difference between being engaged and being married. I've got pre-wedding jitters ...
In U.S. and world news, I'm like a deer in the headlights. I just don't move or do anything; I'm overwhelmed. Alan and I give money, but we haven't put ourselves out there. I'm not proud of that. I keep telling myself that I'll become more involved if/when we get to Canada where I can be part of a political party that I won't have to hold my nose to "vote" for (yes, I know I won't be able to vote) and the general atmosphere is more one of community engagement. But am I excusing and fooling myself? Will I then have settling in as a distraction? Are my priorities only selfish in wanting a better life for Alan and me, but not really committed to helping improve (in any small way) the larger community?
I read L-girl's blog and in the face of real issues, I take brave stands on precious dogs and cute baseball players. It's not that I don't care. But isn't it what one DOES that really shows what's important to a person? Why do I get locked into my own little dramas with accompanying anxiety which then take my energy from acting in the "outside" world?
Those are the questions I ask myself. And I'm not that happy with what I see.
It comes down to the Vancouver guys and Alan & me. I've commented on their blog that I find myself in a weird place emotionally. Although I'm a Meyers-Briggs "J" that craves closure, I'm going to be a mess when we do get a decision. I don't know how to explain it, but as bad as the waiting is, it's become an old friend. When we get the final "yay" or "nay" we will be forced to move on. It's the difference between being engaged and being married. I've got pre-wedding jitters ...
In U.S. and world news, I'm like a deer in the headlights. I just don't move or do anything; I'm overwhelmed. Alan and I give money, but we haven't put ourselves out there. I'm not proud of that. I keep telling myself that I'll become more involved if/when we get to Canada where I can be part of a political party that I won't have to hold my nose to "vote" for (yes, I know I won't be able to vote) and the general atmosphere is more one of community engagement. But am I excusing and fooling myself? Will I then have settling in as a distraction? Are my priorities only selfish in wanting a better life for Alan and me, but not really committed to helping improve (in any small way) the larger community?
I read L-girl's blog and in the face of real issues, I take brave stands on precious dogs and cute baseball players. It's not that I don't care. But isn't it what one DOES that really shows what's important to a person? Why do I get locked into my own little dramas with accompanying anxiety which then take my energy from acting in the "outside" world?
Those are the questions I ask myself. And I'm not that happy with what I see.
posted by Daniel wbc at 12:21 PM
4 Comments:
I don't have an answer for you, just wanted to say "hi." And, I can offer at least this much - you're not alone in what one might characterize as "political paralysis." Take care!
I still love the "pre-wedding jitters" analogy!
For Alan and me, this is a choice. For them, it is survival.
Same here, plus one L in Allan. :)
About your dilemma, I want to offer two thoughts.
One, this is an enormously stressful time in your life. If you need to stand still (deer in the headlights) about the larger world, then so be it. You're entitled.
I'm a lifelong activist and it still took me two full years after moving to Canada to resume any of those activities. Was that wrong? It must have been what I needed.
Two, if after you move here (which WILL happen), you still feel bad about this, try changing it a bit and seeing how that feels. No need to take a plunge into deeply committed activism - just dip a toe in the water. Go to a meeting, or if that's too much, a demonstration. See how it feels.
Meanwhile, feel free to comment on beautiful dogs and beautiful men!
Daniel, Emilio and I were reluctant to get politically involved. We didn't even start our activism until 2003 and we did so by just dipping our little toe in the water with one interview.
I was self conscious about doing things like interviews and writing letters, but then once I started I stopped caring about what the reader might thing and was glad I was simply speaking my mind.
I think if we didn't have the binational issue we would not be doing much politically at all. I think the US is beyond help at this point. So much is wrong and it seems impossible to change it.
I look forward to finding new interests once we get to relax and have a "normal" life in Canada.
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